Monday, December 6
idle mind confesses to a sin
ok, i'm a bum. i got no work, thus, i am broke. i can't even treat myself for my weekly cup of coffee at starbucks anymore. i feel like crying. it's like being sucked in a whirlpool. you find yourself helplessly being swallowed into whatever-ness. look, don't get me wrong, i don't go around town telling everyone that i am jobless like some people out there who find it cool to proclaim themselves a "BUM". in fact, i keep to myself, trying to hide from everyone, including my dear friends. Yes, I am ashamed. very much so. what shames me more is the fact that i quit a job i love. worst, i had a choice. much worst, i didn't make a stand. even much worst, i declined when my boss asked me when i am going back to my job, told me that the company's still waiting for me. i don't have the guts anymore to face my employer because i feel that i let him down. my employer had so much faith in me, and i never had anyone believe in me. my reason for quitting? my mom. Bullshit, right? my employer sent me to makati to train, my schedule became 2pm-8pm and since i live far from makati, i get home around (almost) 12am. those were one of the best times of my life. i learned so much, and i found a piece of myself. but some good things never last. mom freaked out and told me that all the neighbors were wondering what kind of work i do (possibly, not a good reputable job). anyhow, to make the story short, we had a fight and she slapped me. all the hatred i had for her came bursting out. hatred? yes, hatred. i hate her for never supporting me, i hate her for comparing me to my cousins, i hate her for wanting me to work in a bank like my cousin, i hate her for expecting too much from me -- things that i can never ever will be. i lost sense of who i am, i lost my identy, i became a weak person because all i ever wanted as a kid was to please her. that's why i hurt so much. that time we were discussing about my job whilst she compares me to another cousin, i was having a hard time with my job. i needed encouragement because i need to close a deal with a big company, and the company was already on the peak of its decision-making whether to choose our company or the competitor's. i remember a time, when i was a kid. i got a 99% in our quiz. i was so excited and showed my paper to my mom, she didn't seem pleased. she said, "when i was a kid, i would cry if i get a 99.9%. it's just not good enough." My prayer: "Dear God, I thank you for all the blessings you give me. Thank you because i have a family, but please help me become humble, i need enlightenment. i am tired of hating. until now, i still can't talk to my mom, not even look at her. i still feel the anger washing over me. Dear God, please guide me and also help me find myself. I love you. Oh, one more thing, please bless my family, and everyone else. Thank you ulit! In the name of the Lord, Amen."
craving chocolate @ 7:40 PM
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