Friday, January 13
Ouch~ I Got Burnt!
I was in the mood for writing this morning, I woke up thinking about all the blessings God has showered me with for the past years. I was cooking for lunch when ~OUCH~ I touched the frying pan sans the pan holder, I burned my hands. I should have known it was sign that bad luck was just lurking around. I asked permission from my sweetie that I was gonna rent PC, he doesn't trust me enough to let me rent PC without him watching what I was doing. He sits beside me and refuses to give me a kiss. I am not having a great day today and I am starting to get pissed with his nonchalant "i-am-not-jealous" and "i-do-trust-you" attitude. He can be a real JERK sometimes. Why wouldn't he admit he came here to check on me and not to see me.
craving chocolate @ 2:01 PM
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Thursday, January 12
Gmail success!
I am elated! So happy that I finally signed up at Gmail. I have no mail friends yet, but I am happy nonetheless. =^_^=
craving chocolate @ 4:37 PM
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A Year older, A Page Thicker, A Life Fuller?
Would I then be a little bit wiser this year? I reminisced and thought that I am getting old, my friends are getting old. They are getting married, having children (soon be rearing them), and I am left standing where I was 3 years ago. I too would want to settle down someday, live a comfortable life. It is my strength and downfall that I am easily satisfied with life. Oh well, I guess, i just have to psyche myself and finally find my direction. There are few things that I strongly believe in, like: One is never too old to learn new things; One could make the same mistakes over again, but it's never too late to redeem yourself. I am a late bloomer, "loser" you may call me based on my achievements so far. Ok, I promised myself that I'm going to thrive to be more positive this year. I guess I am just scared to over estimate my skills and intellect, to have high hopes and then only to fall hard in the end. Being Chinese, my parents reared me with humility in mind. So I grew up thinking, I am not pretty enough, smart enough, or good enough for anything. I guess it's all just a state of mind. We hold our life in our hands. We could blame no one but ourselves for INACTION. I am too chicken to apply for a job because I'm afraid I am not qualified. I must learn to accept that in this life, i will be, might be disappointed once in a life. I usually get things I want easily, but USUALLY doesn't spell N-E-V-E-R.
craving chocolate @ 4:02 PM
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Tuesday, January 3
mailap na gmail
mailap na gmail. langhya. akala ko i could have an account before i sign out. akala ko, i could sign up via mobile phone, i sent the message five times, but it didnt work. langhya. it's at the grasp of my hand. sayang. kainis talaga. it's so frustrating. i was so excited to see that it's open for signing up na, and not just for invites. hay talaga....
craving chocolate @ 5:23 PM
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An Affair With My Blog
I am heartbroken. It's the start of a new year and I'm not having a fine start. I rented PC just to see him because he's not allowed to go to my house. So i checked my blogs. Is it bad that i wanted to keep the existence of my blogs from my boyfriend? i would have chosen death, if i'd been at gunpoint. I would not let him know about my blog site. I feel guilty. It's like having a secret affair with my blogsite. I enjoy the fact that i could write about anything here, have other people read it, and still keep anonymous. I know open communication and trust is vital in a relationship, but... but... oh, well... The blog isn't really the reason for my broken heart. it's because he doesn't trust me. I may have done bad things before, but he did too. he would often tell me, "i love you more". he said he loves me more because no man would have loved me as much as he does. that he stood by me inspite of the things I have done, but what about the things HE did to me? what about my sacrifices? He insisted that we meet today but as soon as he came over, saw me surfing the net, he took the mouse from me and started checking the history of my visited sites. he didnt even ask how i was doing, if i waited long for him, he didnt even kiss me!
craving chocolate @ 3:01 PM
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Thursday, December 29
New Year, New Perspective?
i've been gone for months again. oh, well. i have just spent half an hour trying to fix my site's border and obviously, i wasn't able to accomplish anything. i'm renting computer now. i feel sort of "evicted" from my own place. i'm not used to going public places to rent computer, having had my Personal computer and DSL account before. i don't feel like writing today. i'm busy checking emails i collected from months ago. i've just read a mail coming from one my site's reader, interesting really. i would have mailed him back had i not been too embarassed knowing that he read about me and my pathetic life... hehehe. as my title said. new year, new perspective. i intend to keep positive the whole year round. i pray that next year would be better for all of us. the only material gift i wish to receive this New Year would be a gmail account. oh please, somebody give me an invite! God bless us all and country. ^,^ mwuah!
craving chocolate @ 1:43 PM
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Sunday, July 24
Starting over again
it's definitely goood to be back. i was starting to get really depressed when i couldnt log in to my blog account. it sucks when ur friendster account's been hacked and u lost all ur passwords. i left mine at the attic of my brain, full of cobwebs and spiders. *sigh* it was depressing enough to have lost your 4- year-boyfriend plus the wedding and family plans, include to it the lost of my blogger account, then it would be the end of days for me. blogging has been my friend for rough times like this, it's the only thing that keep my sanity intact.
craving chocolate @ 3:32 PM
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Saturday, December 18
not the right time of the month
after two months of not having my period. i have it now, at last! though, it just ruled out the possibility of being preggy, it's not a reason to celebrate. backaches, abdominal cramps, headache -- it's all making feel really bad plus my current depression. i am crying right now, why? i don't know. i am not even sure which pain hurts more, being fooled or this cramps i'm getting. it's all just pain. i am depress.
craving chocolate @ 2:51 PM
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Wednesday, December 15
i am the Fool, again
Read the quote above. i wonder could it be true? i am a liar. i lied for the man i love and i have lied to the man i love. i have told so many lies in my 20-something years of living and i have been lied to so many times, also by this same man i love, still love. i lied to my family and friends, i chose him over everyone else because i believed in the "the story of us". now, i can't trust him. agghh... to hell with it all! anyhow, here's something i picked up from the net: How to know when someone is lying 1. Look for body language that might indicate someone is lying, such as not looking you in the eye when speaking to you, being fidgety, or acting nervous or uncomfortable. -- honestly, i didn't fidget when i told my lie, i am a good one. nor did my sweetheart when i caught him red-handed lying to me, on my face. we could both be a criminals, be caught and deny all accusations til death. 2. Listen for inconsistencies in what the person tells you, such as different stories on different days, different time frames, mistakes in remembering details or mixing up details. -- oh, this one never would never work because i am always accused by my sweetheart of having poor memory in remember things. hell, i KNOW when i hear an inconsistency! 3. Notice if the person steadfastly resists answering any questions. Extreme defensiveness could mean that he or she is trying to hide something. -- again, this wont work in my case. what's defensiveness anyhow? when i start an argument or rather asking questions, i get brushed off right away. reason: "he doesn't want any argument. i'm getting jealous for no reason and all i am saying is nonsense" 4. Notice if the person accuses you of lying or being deceitful when you really haven't been. This could reflect the other person's own underlying behavior, which he or she is projecting onto you rather than owning up to it. -- Oh LOL! he uses that on me everytime! hahahhaha 5. Listen to your gut and intuition. You may just know someone is lying. If you are not sure, don't jump to conclusions. Try to get some evidence to back up your hunch. -- my intuition never failed me. but problem is i can only get a real proof of his affairs in like 1 out of 10 of his total lies. 6. Consider asking directly if the person has lied to you. Many people feel bad getting caught up in lies, and find it a relief to finally be honest. -- i asked him. already did. he lied to my face and even when i said, "with God as our witness? i prayed hard that God must take me from you if ever he deceit me." he looked straight in my eyes and told me, "you are my one and only behbeh (baby)" 7. Try to be understanding and listen to the person's reasons for lying. Was he trying not to hurt you? Was he afraid you would be angry, upset or disappointed? -- lol, he was havign an affair. naturally, he'd hurt me. should i excuse that? 8. Look at your possible role in having someone lie to you. Are you someone who gets so upset hearing the truth that others feel they can't be honest with you? -- if you are my boyfriend and you lie to me about having an affair, should i smile and thank you for telling me?
craving chocolate @ 9:56 PM
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Saturday, December 11
break-up with chocolate
i better stop munching chocolates(at least for a week). i have to lose weight coz it is affecting my self-esteem. from 43kg, i am now 48kg. and 48kg isn't good for a 4-feet-11-inches-girl. oh my, i am overweight! ang hirap i-psyche sarili ko ngayon. no matter how many times ko sabihin sa sarili ko na God wouldn't let me face a problem i can not handle, depress parin ako. tapos, i had a fight with my bf. i must be losing my grip on my sanity. i must be paranoid. yes, that must be it. i am bitter. hatred oozes from the deep within my heart. all the bedimpled smiles, the cheerful demeanor everyone sees in me is all just an act. i have an evil heart. that's just what my sweetheart told me. how come we can easily forgive ourselves, but couldn't be as forgiving when someone has wronged us? he lied to me once, and he reached out and made up for it. then, he lied again. apologized and made up for it. this time, i took my revenge. i lied to hurt him, in the process of which, i hurt myself. i stumbled, i was bruised, i was in much too deep mud. i lost face. i begged him to stay. he did. in between making up and frequent fights, he hurt me. this time emotionally, physically and mentally. then he lied again. i promised not to get back with him. he cried... and i love him. right now, i can't trust him as much as i know he's having a hard time trusting me. when he made THE Mistakes, he said sorry. i never did apologize for my own deeds. of course, i am sorry that i hurt him. i am sorry for the things i have done. but a part of me blames him because i know that i wouldn't have done what i did if he didn't lie to me. everytime i see na nag-check sya ng friendster, naprapraning ako. feel ko may ni-mail nanaman siyang babae. i still remember when he asked his friend kung who was prettier between me and his other girl. his friend said i was prettier, so i can't help thinking that he is with me because at the moment i am pretty pa.
craving chocolate @ 7:25 PM
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